my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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