I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
