just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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