Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
