Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i love accidental penises.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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