If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
