Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
