Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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