1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize