Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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