It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
