I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
