i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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