Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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