Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
