dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
