I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
