grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I looked at my own cervix.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
