The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
