I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize