remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
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I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.