I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize