I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
