he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
