you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Please don't give away my fajitas
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
