Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just found puke in my bra..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
