Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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