I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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