haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
