fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
