Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
high people should be assigned attendants
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
