Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
