She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
