When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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