I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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