pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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