Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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