I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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