theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
