tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
