He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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