good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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