My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
