We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
