Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
