wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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