You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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