hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
