I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
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Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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