This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
