he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
