Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Bring me that man meat
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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