please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
