life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you didnt know i had herpes?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
