I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
