is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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