Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
