so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
