I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
