You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
