I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's blow job season.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
